Detroit and Cancer Surveillance

 

So I'm working on a post about the most beautiful skylines in America. 😊

The impetus for this forthcoming post was my commenting on the unfortunate landscape of the unfortunate City of Detroit in my post, yesterday - how even before its collapse, it wasn't a "pretty" city, and I was speculating the reasons for that. While writing it, I was reminding of something I learned recently in my cancer registry program at school - something that gets overlooked in discussions about the downfall of Detroit, so I decided to make it its own post first.

Don't get me wrong, I actually love visiting Detroit -  there's a lot to do, great music, great food, great cultural mix, and I've found the people of all cultural backgrounds to be friendly. 

It is just very clear that Detroit was focused on auto-industry and functionality, and nothing else, almost from the beginning. They put all their eggs in one basket of industry, thinking it would never end, rather than cultivating other industry or even investing in its own infrastructure (in a sustainable way) to promote tourism, as other cities have.

Even more importantly,  not enough investment in protecting itself from toxic pollution. And we can get into both corporate and union corruption, as well as government-leadership corruption on both political sides, but let's not get bogged down in that debate, because that's not the point of this post.

Except that I will only add that Detroit is proof that the Republican theory of "trickle-down economics" is BS.

It can be better at a local level than nationally, but the reason "trickle-down economics" never fully works is because this theory  completely negates the element of human greed, from either business  OR government - and sometimes even in the organizations designed to protect the laborers or consumer from this greed  - which famously happened with Detroit's Jimmy Hoffa, who skimming off the top of auto employee unions and being involved with organized crime).

Detroit is a cautionary tale for many reasons, but perhaps the most overlooked one is what happens when we do not have enough federal or state environmental protection laws in place (or roll back environmental protection, as has happened under Trump).  regarding that toxic environmental output - there's a reason why 1 of the 2 federal cancer surveillance programs in the United States, SEER (Surveillance, Epidemiology, and End Results) for the NCI (National Cancer Institute) began at its inception in 1973 by choosing Detroit (and Oakland, CA) as one of only 2 cities rather than states to study as a hotspot for cancer in America - not the state of Michigan overall, just metro Detroit.

In fact, even before that, in 1949, private organizations such as the American Cancer Society and the Women's Field Army funded a cancer registry/cancer surveillance program just for the metro area of Detroit because it was a known hotspot by then, called the Metropolitan Detroit Cancer Surveillance System (MDCSS) which still exists today, now federally funded by SEER/NCI.

Though cancer data today is aggregated, studied, and presented on a state level by either SEER (NCI) or NPCR (CDC) or both, subdivided by counties rather than cities for epidemiology -  the Metropolitan Detroit Cancer Surveillance System (MDCS) still exists and is still funded because it's still a hotspot for cancer. 

(For the record, though - my state of Kentucky is the #1 for cancer in America, attributed to coal mining, tobacco/smoking, and lack of statutory environmental protection laws.)

Now - in trying to prove environmental toxicity, we Democrats have focused on climate science to prove environmental damage, and I understand why, because it's become dire.

The corporations responsible for it found a way to deny it and push the denial via lining the pockets of our politicians (mostly Republican politicians).

Thus, IMO, we should focus on cancer statistics instead - because we have the proof in our hands for decades that communities with the highest  numbers of cancer also have the highest known environmental carcinogens - and it's growing.

Though the statistics for surviving cancer are better than they've ever been, cancer incidence has increased - and actually, the fact that people are living longer has not helped cancer incidence, only contributed to this increase.

Also, we like to think we're so advanced here in the U.S. compared to other countries, but according to the IACR (International Association of Cancer Registrars), the United States is still in the Top 5 countries in the world for cancer incidence in the world. 

(I used the IACR for these statistics, because our federal stats go to WHO, which people have politicized - the IACR is the international organization for my goal profession, cancer registrar. Yes, WHO funds it, just as the U.S. government funds American research, but I can assure you that nobody at the hospital level sending these statistics upwards to that level is thinking about how they can twist these statistics politically, they're just abstracting cancer reports with the type, stage, geographic location, and demographics of each cancer patient and sending them to the state, then to the federal funding agencies.)

Both political sides have acknowledged that cancer exists, that there are environmental factors for it,  and that we need to understand it  better to stop it, and thus have agreed to vast amounts of federal funding for cancer surveillance and research - so these are not statistics that can be denied or argued with, at this point, we're way beyond that. 

You can try to hide the statistics, which corporations did effectively many times for many years -  most notably by tobacco companies regarding both the toxicity of their tobacco mix AND the extreme addictive potential - but eventually, due to so much cancer surveillance funding, science won beginning in the 90s - and it could no longer be denied and tobacco companies began losing lawsuits.

You can also line the pockets of politicians to push cutting funding for the research  - which has happened under the current administration - not directly, but indirectly by cutting funding to the CDC and the FDA and other federal government institutions that fund cancer research) - but you can no longer flat out deny environmental causes for cancer and get your voters to deny it.

Most people don't care about things that don't directly affect them, currently or in the past.

Thus, IMO, the smarter thing for my fellow Democrats to do  in order to prove environmental damage would be to focus on the existing scientific evidence regarding cancer incidence, rather than climate-change science - because we have ALL all been affected by cancer, and nobody denies environmental factors for it anymore. 

Regardless, I'm still rooting for Detroit to make a comeback someday, bigger and better than it was before -  it's just going to take some time, right?

Now, onto brighter topics - the best U.S. skylines in America, in no particular order. 😊

Shepard Fairey Post The Obama Hope Poster ...

 

I hadn't thought of Shepard Fairey in a while, but was reminded of him after mentioning taking my daughter to see his "Supply and Demand" 2010 exhibit at the Cincinnati Contemporary Arts Center. 

I guess he's more of a graphic artist, than an artist, much like Andy Warhol was, but better? 

He was big at the time, you may recall  his Obama "Hope" poster?

He also had pop-up murals appearing in larger cities everywhere, including Cincinnati, particularly right before exhibit openings ... 

This one was actually in Covington, Kentucky in 2010 (considered Greater Cincinnati) ...

Where has he been, what happened to him?

He's still around - except he had to pay out vandalism fines to cities like Detroit where he had painted murals without permission lol.

So ... a quick aside on the buildings of downtown Detroit, before I continue about Shepard Fairey?

My husband is from Detroit, so I've been there a few times. 

Though there's a lot to do -  great music, great multicultural food, and some beautiful sculptures downtown - even HE agrees that downtown Detroit is not a "pretty" city and never has been. 

I mean, it's already overcast and gray much of the time there - why make it worse with THIS crap?

I mean, Zzzzzzz. No discernible trace of style or beauty whatsoever besides the one small church. 

The building design is so boring, unadorned, and dreary, it's depressing -  clearly focused on functionality and industry rather than any style or beauty whatsoever It looks like it gave up even before it began, as most of those buildings are pre-WW2 and older. 

Maybe that's the real reason Detroit collapsed -  it killed itself due to chronic drabness downtown 😂

Even the 1973 Renaissance Center building, originally owned by the  Ford Company -  Detroit's tallest building, initially heralded before it was built as Detroit's new icon - is anything but a renaissance building. It's essentially a standard 80s-ish glass grain silo with even less interesting buildings around it.

Ta-da!

Meh.

I mean, I love modern architecture, but there's no artistry or originality there, it's a glass grain silo lol.

I'm not sure why, but unlike most other large US cities, downtown Detroit appears to have never embraced period building styles reflecting American architectural trends, like other cities did, like Beaux Arts, Art Deco, Art Nouveau, mid-century modern, modern, or post-modern.

Making it worse, when Detroit reached its building-growth peak during the 1940s and 1950s with car production, it added insult to injury. Because it's very obvious they sacrificed style for quick functionality to accommodate the influx of auto workers. 

The closest thing to making their own distinctive style are the English Tudor Revival homes that can be found in the Boston-Edison District, Sherwood Forest, Indian Village, and the still-prestigious Grosse Pointe. 

These areas also have Victorian, colonial revival, prairie-style and Arts and Craft historic homes, as well, like other metro-area historical homes, with some of them being a mix of these with Tudor Revival.

And in the Boston-Edison Historic district, you could still buy some of these for  $150K to $400K just 10 years ago, right after the recession ... 

There are also some  cute little mini cottage versions of these English Tudor Revivals, even in economically deprived areas. Sadly, many of them have been abandoned or boarded up. 

But otherwise?

Detroit homes after the 1940s were ugly boxes to house laborers without adornment ...

Oooh, sign me up!

(j/k)

They scream "Let's just get this sh*t up fast for the influx of auto workers to live in post-war" 😂

(It amazes me that these tiny 800-ft square boxes with 1 bathroom are actually among the most expensive in the metro Detroit area and sell for $500K in areas like Royal Oak or Birmingham, just because they're considered safe, trendy areas.)

Nope, no thank you. 

Give me a little Arts and Crafts Bungalow or one of those little Tudor Revival cottages in a less trendy location any day, and if not, then I'd have to settle for the suburbs, because nope, not paying that much for garbage, just because it's trendy, sorry. (And let's not ignore the fact that these areas also try to avoid people of color and price them out of things.)

Thus, back to my point - when Shepard Fairy paints THIS mural on a wall there, you notice - and it's a vast improvement, not only to its dreary landscape, but to what's usually painted on the walls of buildings in Detroit 😂

Also, if I owned a building, and Shepard Fairey painted a popup mural on it overnight?

I'd feel like I won the lottery, I'd tell everyone about it, even my grandkids, great grandkids lol - EXCEPT - I'd also worry why he chose my building or my neighborhood, because his art is usually making a statement about lack of social justice and capitalism run amuck in corporate greed and environmental pollution! 

After that, then the Associated Press sued him for using one of their photos for that "Obama Hope" poster without permission, which may be true, but nobody said anything when Andy Warhol did the same thing 50 years ago.

He sued back under "public use" law - and then made the unfortunate choice of denying that was his source and destroying the evidence he had, which was, ya know, obviously not true and a poor decision which damaged his reputation.

But then again, was anyone surprised the "Obey" founder would call BS on the system, including public-use rights and frivolous lawsuits? 😂

I mean, this is a guy who got his start as a skateboarder, running around town with graphic artwork of wrestler Andre the Giant's face everywhere he traveled, with the word "Obey" on it, freaking everyone out.

It was less about freaking everyone out OR Andre the Giant, and more about causing everyone to question what we do and who we follow blindly - and Andre's face just happened to convey the message he wanted lol.

Now, I'm not condoning his lying about his Obama source photo.

I'm especially not defending his choice to later hypocritically sue people that used his own work without permission (although in one small defense of him, unlike press photos, his artwork was  either privately commissioned or privately licensed).

I'm just saying, he's an artist and he's Shepard Fairey -  and this is what Shepard Fairey does - push the envelope and provoke to get us to rethink what we currently do, maybe even for himself to think about usage and ownership? lol.

Here's just a few samples of work he's done since ... 

Defend Dignity (2017)

Fan the Flames (2019)  - regarding the incompatibility of environmental beauty and unchecked corporate pollution and greed. 

Incarnation, 2024 - in case you don't get it, a woman is protecting a carnation like a baby - an environmental protection piece. 

Rise Above (2026) - he likes his Art Nouveau incorporations - part of the reason why I, personally, like his art. 

It Can't Happen Here (2026) 

"Our America" - Time Magazine Cover, July 2026 

As For Mark and Me and Our 10th Anniversary?

 

We're good! We couldn't afford to go anywhere for our Anniversary, and yet it was still one of the best we've had despite it!

I'm glad we went back to Gatlinburg last year, then, and recreated  wedding photos 😊

I will admit, with my financial aid being cut by Trump, course program changes, extreme financial stress, my finals, and the subject of the below post, I've been under more stress this week than I've been under in years. 

But I DID get another A and maintained my 4.0!!!! 😀

I still don't know whether I can continue, though, after the OBBBA financial aid cuts went into effect for fall semester.

As a result, I haven't been able to sleep, my anxiety has been on overdrive, and my stomach is doing things I haven't seen before - and I sometimes get lost in my own thoughts and anxiety and  just realized that, just before our anniversary.

Mark said something  like ...

"Um, you do know our anniversary is this week, right? I know we can't afford anything and it sucks, but I can't tell because you're not really speaking much, and when you do, it's to freak out about school and finances."

I did and already had a card and a small gift I could afford ready for it, but he was right - I got too lost in my own worries/anxiety and wasn't paying enough attention to him this week..

So I hugged him and said ...

 "Honey, OMG, you're right, I'm SO sorry. I get lost in my anxiety/own thoughts sometimes when I'm this stressed, but it must appear to you like I don't care, when that's not true. I hope you know I love and appreciate you, right? And if you don't, it's okay to tell me you're not feeling that right now."

He forgave me, said he knew that, just wondering where I went in my head for a few days lol.

Then he said I did get a little lost and noncommunicative with him other than financial issues and household stuff, which he didn't know how to interpret, and felt just a tad like he wasn't in the room  - and then added if this is the worst of my crazy, he can deal with it, because I can deal with his! 😂

Then this morning, we talked about the post below (which I've added to), but then I added:

Me: "I know I'm crazy sometimes, but what if I got lost in my anxiety like that, PLUS got super bitchy and verbally abusive, and then to top it off, instead of realizing it and apologizing, I demanded that you write a letter of appreciation for me and that you told my family to write me one, like Kim does  - what would you do?  😂

Mark: "Hahaha! Um, if you ever asked me to write you a letter of appreciation, or to ask your family to write you one, I'd be like"  WTF?" - then tell you all that therapy you've had didn't help because, well, that's completely insane!" 😂

"But you would never ask me or anyone to do that because, well, that's insane. In fact, you've held me back from hauling off on your family before, when I demanded their phone numbers and you refused." 

"I think I did text McKenna once, years ago, when as I had her number, after some new crazy text accusation out of nowhere again or had to cancel plans for like  the millionth time last minute again because she changed her mind about visiting you, usually because Kim or her Dad got upset  - but you got mad at me." 

"You said to stay out of it, plus all they would do is say you "manipulated" me to do it - and that is EXACTLY what happened, so I never did it again." 

"The fact that the rest of the family can't see that KIM is the only one in the family who acts like that, manipulating or demanding her husband to get involved  - but is accusing YOU of it - I think you call it projection - it's almost sicker than Kim herself."

 

(Aside: Well, not entirely true, Kim is the only one like that now, but my mom USED to be - before she finally at least partially accepted her severe mental illness diagnoses, and  went on and stayed on medication, about 15 years ago). 

 

"But you're right - pushing people in denial just makes them mad and YOU the villain -  because God knows there has to be a villain or victim in your family." 

"Demanding loyalty and appreciation, encouraging everyone not to trust their own eyes and ears and see things her way,  accusing critics of what she is doing herself, labeling them critics a dangerous enemy  -, it's like Trump. Are you sure SHE isn't the big DNA reveal in your family instead of your mom, and that her last name isn't Trump? 😂"

"You have your bitchy moments, but then so do I lol, but never verbally or physically abusive. Sometimes when triggered, you can get a little cuckoo, but never in an abusive way - you freak out about it more than other people, yes - but nothing truly insane like that, and I've lived with you for 15 years. And if you did, I'd be calling your therapist myself  like "Um, hello? Something is really, really wrong." lol."

I'm so lucky - and I love my husband - and yes, sometimes we get on each other's nerves, I have my bitchy moments and so does he (mostly towards other people because he has less patience with people than I do, particularly my family lol) -  but there's zero abuse, verbally or physically -  we discuss and talk things as a result, rarely argue.

So if anything, I need to write an appreciation letter to HIM - both for going too far up my own ass in anxiety and calling me on it, this week, in a loving way - and for being nothing like people in my old life.😂

So we're good - VERY good! 

________________

PS - Mark just added: 

 

"You'd think moving to Norway and cutting off all contact with them, last year, because she said the family doesn't appreciate her enough again - though she gave no care to your mom but calling lawyers, leaving it all to Ruthie  - just like she did with your Granny and you - would tell them something, but nope."

"And even if they did realize you were telling the truth/were right about that, they'd never admit it. 

"They need to believe that, because if you're NOT crazy, told the truth and are right, THEN they'd have to ask themselves, "What the hell have I done/gone along with?" and most people can't do that. 

"BTW, how did Kim convince everyone she's good with money? Because I don't see it. She's made really dumb decisions on what to spend money on - those expensive trips and unnecessary lawyer stuff, preparing for legal battles with people that never happened."

"i'm not good with money either, but I admit it lol. Ruthie seems to be good with managing what's left,  actually. And still, did she, or anyone at all, ever once say,"Maybe instead of spending money on expensive trips to Paris etc., we should save it or add it to the estate to care for mom/Nana, because she's getting old?"

"Nope. So now the estate money's gone, the farm's gone, Kim's cut all contact with them and run off to Norway, your Mom's not well, and Ruthie is left holding the bag of financial and physical care for her." 

"I'd feel sorry for them, if they hadn't been warned, but they were -  and still refuse to see or admit there were some terrible financial decisions and consequences of them, under her leadership, but they won't see it" 

"More group insanity, just like MAGA. MAGA literally calls Trump their savior, and it's like "What or who is Trump saving you from? lol. He starts wars with people that haven't done anything to us, those of us not in his inner circle can barely pay for our gas or our bills in this inflation, and then he terrorizes and bullies any critics, convincing his followers they're their enemy."

"It's crazy, and it's crazy-making, and like I've told you before, quit trying to understand crazy, you can't - but it doesn't mean YOU'RE crazy because you don't understand it and because there are more of them than you."

 

Preach, Brother Mark, Preach! 😂

Taking My Final Today, But First, To My Daughter

*Edited/content added

Yesterday was Mark and my 10th anniversary, but what I have never once mentioned on here, over the years, is that today is my daughter's birthday.

I "try" not to mention family much on here, both for security reasons and to avoid a fallout, but I've gotten triggered a time or two and done so, and for that, I apologize.

But I'm making an exception because there's some things I want to say. Things that have needed to be said for a long time.

But first, in case anyone's wondering why I would ever get married the day before my daughter's birthday -  it's because we had been estranged for a few years at the time - her choice. 

So Mark was trying to get me to forward-think, to focus on joy, rather than my usual on her birthday -  which was lying in my bed for days in grief and depression. 

He added that someday, we would all take trip together during this time to celebrate both and our reunion.

Otherwise, to McKenna - the love of my life ... 🥰

Happy Birthday, love of my life, McKenna

I love you and always will - despite it all, you are still the love of my life and my greatest blessing in life. 

I'm sorry that you're under the impression that you're under -  but I will never stop hoping that you figure out truth and for that reunion - but in our family, you have to WANT to see truth or you never will and will keep pretending, wondering why you feel so badly.

I made mistakes, of course I did, ones I regret - just not the ones you've been told/think I made.

So  though I will take responsibility for my mistakes, I can't take responsibility for things I didn't do or that have been twisted from family members who are hiding much. 

What I never want to do is to invalidate your perception/gaslight you and I want to allow you to be angry with me, which is something I was never allowed. 

Thus, I'm not sure what to do if our perceptions differ because I don't want to invalidate your perception/gaslight you, but in some cases, I can disprove the information you've been told with documentation, too.   

Because the problem is, your perception isn't just your perception - it was inappropriately influenced and gaps were filled in by people not even around until you were a teenager and the situation with Granny's will. 

They did so out of their own issues and selfishness, but tried to blame me for not being around you sooner -  despite the fact they were always welcome - and watching you wait by the window for your Dad to even show up, on time or at all (and not also be drunk or hungover) was one of the most heartbreaking things I've ever seen. 

At first, I tried very hard not to put you in the middle because I knew people already were.

For example, do you remember my canceling your 16th birthday party at a restaurant literally named "McKenna's" because 2 family members refused to come, demanding you come to their family barbecue instead?

I bowed out to take the pressure off you - so  you went to their barbecue, and the next weekend, we went with your Auntie Ru to the Art Museum in Cincinnati and for lunch instead.

 

(The Shepard Fairey exhibit, remember? He was big at the time and actually had a wall mural in Cincinnati, too, and you loved his stuff - so I bought you like a T-shirt and a little wall art thing of his from the museum.)

 

Though at first, I laughed off their absurd accusations,  thinking you knew me better than that, I did start to worry that you weren't noticing things like that - who was really putting the pressure on you, making demands, and twisting your head around - and you didn't notice.

So I did end up making mistakes myself as far as putting you in the middle a few years later, defending myself against a new accusation every time you'd been with them, and I AM sorry for that, I shouldn't have done that.

Not excusing it, just explaining - I got tired of the regurgitated false accusations coming out of your mouth  after every visit with them, apparently spending their holiday time with you poisoning the well out of their own need for self-validation, instead of just enjoying each other's company. I didn't want to do the same, but after a few years, I did - and again, I am sorry for that.

 

Speaking of which, I sent you to those family holidays without going myself -  NOT because I was "pawning you off on them" like you were told.

Do you really believe I'd prefer to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas completely alone? Of course not. 

I did so because I figured my problems with our family didn't need to also be yours - you shouldn't have to pay for tension between the rest of the family after Granny got sick over the will.

Mothers self-sacrifice on behalf of their children in ways that we never tell you about and don't feel the need to broadcast or be appreciated  - which you will understand when you are a mom yourself some day.

However, self-sacrifice is a foreign concept to your Aunt K that she will never understand, because she chose not to have children - and you KNOW how she demands appreciation for the slightest thing lol.

 

I mean, remember when she had her husband demand that you and Ru write a letter of appreciation to her at Christmas of 2007, before she'd stop pouting and participate?

(Appreciate what? Calling her lawyers every 5 minutes over Granny's estate, like the Karen she is, rather than ever once lifting a finger to help give actual physical or emotional care for Granny - and now is doing the same thing with Nana, running off to Norway permanently?) 

Or when you visited her in Chicago, you told me that she got so mad over her neighbor's dog poop that she picked up and smeared it all over their windows?

Despite the money (her husband makes), that's not normal behavior, Honey - and it's more unwell than anything I've ever done on in my life on my worst day!

Self-sacrifice is also a foreign concept to your Dad (though he would never smear dog poop on anyone's windows because he's not THAT unwell, but he does need substance-use disorder treatment lol).

 

Regardless, I hope if you've learned nothing else by now, if you've seen Granny's will and ALL of its attachments - I signed off on her will to prove to your Aunt K that I wasn't out for money, I just wanted to be her primary caretaker and be the one to be there when she closed her eyes the final time.

 

But to my point - here's the part I never told you the full story of until now, but I'm hoping after recent events, you can now see more clearly how unwell Aunt K actually is - and still refuses treatment  ...

 

It wasn't enough that I signed off all rights to the will for your Aunt K. 

She then called me and said she'd call the Sheriff to get me out of the house in case I changed my mind later on the will and wanted to claim "squatters rights." 

 

I begged her not to do this, I promised I'd never claim squatter's rights or contest the will, I'd sign anything else she wanted me to sign, just please don't do this - I wanted to be there when she died - and yes - I DID say I'd have to quit my new job and we'd have to move you yet again and it would leave us no choice financially but to move to Northern Kentucky after your Dad offered for us to come there, because we'd have nowhere else to go, but it wasn't a threat, it was a beg. 

 

She didn't tell you THAT part, did she? 

Instead, she told you that I abandoned Granny and that I threatened HER with abandoning you with your Dad, twisting my beg into a threat. 

Even worse, she told Granny I was abandoning her, dying of cancer. 

 I didn't tell Granny, either, and put her in the middle, she was too sick - just that I had no choice but to leave, but I'd call her every day, which I did every day. 

Unlike the rest of the family, Granny figured out quick that something was off. Kim also was having her sign of bunch of papers she wondered about, she said.

She didn't confront Kim, because she feared confrontation, ESPECIALLY with Mom OR Kim  - but this is why I was there her last Christmas - because she told them they had things wrong and insisted I be there because SHE wanted me there and that's all there was to it.

And little did I know at the time, your dad offering for us to come there and help wasn't truth either - I should've known there was an end game - I just wanted to believe otherwise, because I was so overjoyed for you that he had appeared have grown up and wanted to be a part of your life now. 

We had no designs in getting back together, but he said K was bully and always had been, and if I couldn't afford to fight her and had nowhere to go, to just move there and he'd help. 

 

I really believed him - but I learned through 2 unlikely people what his end game was, and at first, I didn't want to believe them.  

The end game the entire time was for you to come live with him full-time as a teeenager so he could have child support removed,because he was credited to the hilt. 

It was only $424 a month and I never had it raised.

I didn't want to believe it myself - but when I sent you ahead for those 2 weeks while I packed up and quit my local job, I received a call from your school registrar, Katie, AND Carla in Child Support, because they questioned what he'd told them -  that I wasn't in the picture and you had been living with him since 2005 (we were in Florida, then Granny's?), and he wanted the child support removed. 

Katie, your school registrar, called me first because she knew he was lying - because I'd called her and told her he was going to register and I'd be there in 2 weeks. 

Carla from Child Support called second, because got tired of his calls and told him he'd need to prove it in court, she can't just remove it on his say so, and she knew he was lying - so she called me to give me a heads up of what he was going to do.  

I've learned since that this is actually very common with Child Support, even nominal amounts -  and there's actually much worse tried over child support - if you've watched crime shows, then you know that lol.

When his lawyer sent me a warning letter that he was going to take me to court to try have child support removed, I had no money for a lawyer, so I contacted Legal Aid. 

They said unless there's allegations of abuse on either side, they can't help me, and of course there weren't. 

Because though your Dad gets drunk and can be verbally abusive, he was never, ever physically abusive, I'll give him that. 

And he never accused ME of abuse either, because he knew i didn't. 

But what Legal Aid DID advise to NOT let go of Child Support in case you changed your mind. 

But I relinquished it anyway, because I couldn't afford a lawyer to fight him, as well as and to ensure you didn't suffer or need anything - even though I could've easily proven you lived in Florida with me and then with Granny until September 2007 

You lived with him lived him for 2 weeks after September 8th until I quit my local job and moved there, and then half-time  during the recession September 2007 until February 2010,  when you left to live with him full time - then he had the attorney send the letter with intent to sue over Child Support in December 2010. 

And I have the documents to prove that timeframe - your school enrollment, my signed my lease 2 weeks later, how much the child support actually was ($424 a month) versus what you were told, if you'd ever care to see them - but you have to WANT to see truth - which I know is difficult, I had to do it myself as a young adult.

Now - I know that to you, it looks like there's more of them than me and that I think it's "everybody else with the problem," and I get why. 

In fact, I used to believe that myself - I'm the common denominator, which makes me the problem. It's why I got into therapy when others didn't.

But then I learned more about toxic dysfunctional family systems  and how they work, scapegoating of anyone who doesn't pretend along - and that yes, it IS possible to have toxic systemic family dysfunction.

 

I mean, on the larger scale, look at the Nazis?  

They were basically a giant dysfunctional family, operating the same way. In a way, I'm the Jewish person in a Nazi family - because I stopped pretending along with them when I entered into therapy long-term at age 24 lol. 

You were taught to view me that way/treat me that way as well, which my therapist warned me was happening. 

In fact, I was in therapy the entire time, advising me - they weren't and still aren't in therapy.

 

I also learned that until we learn what normal is, we'll keep dating/marrying or befriending familiar people, not knowing there's better - and I'm here to tell you, I''ve found better - because I began to finally believe I deserved better. 

My therapist actually advised me to keep you away from them as a "toxic swamp" - as did the therapist before her who moved away - and I wish I had listened, but I wanted you to have some sense of family. 

 

And I let you leave to your dad's that day without a fight, NOT because I wanted to be rid of you, as you were told, but because even though I could've called the Sheriff myself to get you back as I had full custody, you were confused and angry with me - I figured that'd just make you angrier and you just needed time.

I don't know if you remember what you were angry with me about the day you left for your Dad's in February 2010 - but it was because I took your cell phone away, after asking you to clean your bird cage and you told me to STFU. 

The house rules I posted on the fridge - that you had signed yourself as agreeing to - said the consequence for talking to me that way was cell phone removal for the weekend.

BTW, that new list of house rules with consequences posted on the fridge that you signed, but got mad when I took your cell phone away for breaking one?

It came straight from my therapist. 

She said allowing you to be angry with me was one thing, but allowing you to talk to me like they did in a verbally abusive manner was another - and she was right.

Because although you DO have the right to be angry with me or criticize my choices - but you do NOT have the right to verbal abuse, name-calling, and cruelty.

 

I'm sorry that's okay communication in our family of origin, but it's actually NOT okay - it's not the way people who love each other should communicate.

So you ran across the street to a pay phone, called your Dad, and left. Your boyfriend and his mom did bring you back one day from your Dad's in May, but you changed your mind, not wanting to live in a rundown apartment with me versus a nice house with your Dad.

 

Meanwhile, the gifts for you from your Dad and your Aunt K, who had little previous interest in you, suddenly flowed like water now as reward -  Fender guitars, cars, trips to Tucson, Paris, Norway - things I could never afford and wouldn't do as a bribe anyway. 

 

Speaking of which, didn't you ever wonder if paying Granny's estate bills was truly an issue for your Aunt K, as she said, how she could still afford these expensive trip to Paris, etc., for you all? 

As for your Dad, the Child Support was now relinquished, but considering it was only $424 a month, his credit cards took even more hits. 

 

 (Also, I had no money to fight even if you'd wanted me to fight for you. I did try to go to an attorney who said I had a very strong parental/family alienation case, but I didn't have even the $1200 retainer ) 

 

If nothing else, I hope you have learned by now that money and expensive gifts and trips are not love or even care of you  and that most importantly, their gifts come with obligations and guilt trips later. 

  

Now, enough about the past - let's think about the future. 

 

When I say we need to meet halfway, that is going to require you to take some responsibility for your choices as well, and some untruths told, while trying to pit one parent against the other as a teenager and continuing to do as a a young adult. 

As much as I wanted to blame their manipulation for a long time for your behavior and felt sorry for you, for it, the truth is -  you made some choices yourself manipulating THEM in return. 

That's normal stuff for a teenager - but it may be time to take responsibility for it? 

I just I didn't take the bait, like your Dad did, when you tried that with me about your Dad. 

 

For example, the broken plate incident? 

You told me your dad broke a plate and cut you with it and I knew it wasn't true because your Dad is a lot of things, even verbally abusive, but never physically abusive. 

I called him to ask his side and found out the truth - he got mad and set a dinner plate down forcefully on the dinner table, with both hands - and the cheap plate broke, and a piece flew off and scratched you - it was a total freak accident - which you admitted yourself when I told you what he'd said.

If you recall, I told you that when you tell these stories, tell all of it and the truth - and that you need to stop talking to your Dad that way - even if he talks to YOU like that, giving it back isn't going to help, remember? 

 

But in my case, he never even called me to ask my side, as I did when it was him, which I thought was strange -  and to this day, I have no idea what you told him/them when you left - but it couldn't have been the truth about the cell phone. 

I realize now why he didn't, tho - because it played right into his end game. 

 

You once asked me why all his gifts and attention stopped after the first 2 years with him?

Do you remember I didn't answer, but said "You'll figure it out someday?"

Well, there's the actual answer - he stopped lavishing you with (credit card) gifts and attention, just after I relinquished child support before your last year of high school - plus he had a new girlfriend.

 

Regardless, it wasn't you, Honey - you didn't do anything wrong. 

That's just your Dad. He got what he wanted out of the situation and he was done, game over.

 

Perhaps you can see now why I was drawn to him at first - he love-bombs until he gets what he wants or gets bored, and you can keep trying to dig to find that part of him again, knowing it's in there somewhere, but you never will, unless he's lonely.

 

And NO, I did NOT have you to entrap him - your father himself even confirmed that's not true!

Your Dad also confirmed that it was ME that left HIM, as , as well as what we both agreed on - that neither one of us were ever really in love with each other, we had nothing in common, we were young and stupid and had no direction or purpose.  

And yet you continue to believe your Aunt K despite both your own mother and father confirming that isn't true ?!? 

 

In fact, I felt stuck and was clinically depressed and didn't fully recognize it. I laid in bed a lot after work and I messed up my pills (something I clearly have never done since). I actually wasn't eating, either, by the way. 

And I was actually about to leave him when I found out I was pregnant - but we both tried, for your sake, to make the most of it -  it just didn't work out, but we DID both try.

 

HOWEVER, the moment I found out I was pregnant, my life changed and I changed for the better and got into therapy -  and I now had purpose - being your mom 😊 - and no amounts of threats from your Aunt K to "abort it before it turns out to be a loser like you" or anything else mattered - you were in the world and the world was a better place because of it 😊 

Also, as I stated, verbal abuse, cruelty, and manipulation aren't the way people who love each other should ever speak or treat each other to get what they want - so that is still not going to happen - and if it does, I will need to set a boundary.

I have no one in my life now that speaks to me that way and I'm hoping you don't either. They might call me on my shit, but they don't verbally abuse me.

But if not, then if/whenever you're ever ready to do so, then I am here. I think it's best we have a neutral-party therapist present, though, don't you?

There are actually therapists that specialist in parental/family alienation  situations - they're called "Reunification Therapists."

 

Until then, I had to end your confusing yo-yo game of contact me/don't contact, because that had gone on long enough and I needed to set my own boundaries due to the above. 

 

My current boundaries are, we meet halfway, no cruelty/verbal abuse as if the learned family way, no accusations without allowing me the courtesy of response (and showing you objective written  documentation proof), and that you self-examine just as much as me regarding some choices you've made, now that you're an adult.

You can express anger or hurt with me without cruelty/verbal abuse - or more regurgitated word/event twisting that came straight out of Aunt K's mouth - and if you don't know how, then perhaps learning about better approaches - and if you can't, then I will need to say goodbye for now until you can calm down and find a better approach.

Regardless,just know that despite it all,  I will still always love you and I still consider you the biggest blessing of my life 💘

PS - Women and The Fear of Speaking Up ...

 

It helps to feel less damaged to know that I have 2 friends currently struggling with when and how to speak up, but theirs are family and/or work.

Family is actually the hardest, right?

Speaking up is never harder to do than with your own family.

I think women fear speaking up more than men, because we don't want to be labeled a Karen or a troublemaker or "creating drama," and because there's always that misogynistic "She's crazy, don't listen to her" card that will be played by the guilty, nowadays by other women as well as men! 

It could be anything from feeling overwhelmed with sole caretaking  of a family member and being afraid to ask for help (or hearing crickets when you do), to affairs or family theft, all the way up to addictions and/or physical or sexual abuse, and yet women toil over "keeping the peace" VS. speaking up. 

Though my friends don't have to deal with the gaslighting card played in MY family (from people we have since learned have certified severe mental illnesses they tried to hide/run from treatment for, for years, mind you) - what they DO also get are the "Forgiveness" bible verses sent to guilt trip them, or "Let it go"  or the "Family is everything," or maybe even the "you're abandoning us" card.

And there's also the "creating drama" accusation if you speak up - never realizing there'd be nothing to speak up about and react TO, had they not done the dramatic thing they did in the first place!

So for starters, their definition of "forgiveness" is faulty. 

To dysfunctional families, forgiveness means look the other way/pretend it didn't happen. 

Yes, Jesus said to forgive 70 x 7 - he did NOT say to look the other way and pretend it didn't happen OR keep putting yourself in harm's way if there's been no insight or remorse.

That's actually the definition of enabling without consequence, so you'll be forgiving a lot more than 70 x 7!

Forgiveness is really about freeing yourself from pain and avoiding bitterness and it can be done privately, the other person doesn't even need to know - because forgiveness is the only known vaccine against catching the same (pain-caused?) selfish disease that the person likely suffers from who hurt you, which is highly contagious..

Because unless you're dealing with a true sociopath/narcissist or psychopath, 99% of the time -  it's hurt people that hurt other people.

They know what they're doing is wrong, but they justify it, because they feel they are owed in some way.

It may not even be personal, they just can't see past their own pain, life mistreatment or feeling the world is unfair, so their own needs become central - never realizing that in doing so, they just crossed the threshold of being exactly like the people who hurt them.

The feeling of anger itself is natural and not a "sin" - but if left unchecked too long, it can become poison and lead to thirst for revenge, which IS a "sin" and insatiable. 

I'm  not seeking justice, I'm talking about seeking revenge - and there's a difference.

So don't buy the guilt trips - because you're not distancing out of anger, you're distancing to keep yourself safe from further harm, from people who have no remorse for their actions, continue to blame you to justify their mistreatment/abuse of you, and have zero  insight into the toxic group dynamic they continue enable and participate in - and it's not your job to enlighten/teach them.

(In fact, if they're in denial, pushing them to see truth just makes them mad and play the false victim again, so you might as well talk to a brick wall, because at least the wall won't get mad and play the false victim).

They made a choice to do what they did out for selfish reasons, without considering how either you, or even the rest of the family, felt. 

What they want is to have no consequences for their behavior (again), and for you to feel all the guilt they can't or won't. 

They may even try to blame you for their choices, in a sort of "Look what you made me do" BS justification.

I call it the "Here, hold my bag of shit" attempt.

"No, thank you, this isn't mine - I have enough of my own shit to hold. This one is yours." 😊

Be prepared for your refusal to cave in and/or take on all blame to be flipped back on you as YOU being the one who is not taking responsibility or refusing to feel guilt.

Let them and laugh. 😂

Because it's more projection of their own behavior onto you,  coming from members of a dysfunctional, toxic, perhaps even sick group dynamic - who either haven't been to therapy/treated at all, or if they did go, weren't treated properly or for long enough - by a  good therapist that actually confronts them on their sh*t, not just pats them on the back. 

However, YOU, my friends, like me, DID question yourself and got yourself checked. 😊

In fact, you were the first people in your families to be brave enough to ever question yourself, enter into and stay in therapy, and not run the first time you were confronted  - something the rest of your family can't/won't do.

In fact, that's likely part of their problem with you -  as the first one in actual therapy/treatment, as you became healthier, you started refusing to play the same family games the same way anymore -  and that does not go over well, in dysfunctional families who haven't been treated.

It's a shame that the sickest people in the world, doing the most damage, never set foot in a therapist's office or ever question themselves - or if they do, they run from therapy the first time a therapist confronts them instead of patting them on the back - so then it's the rest of us, their victims, who enter into and stay in therapy, initially blaming ourselves TOO much, then learning everything we can to feel better and be better people, right?

Now, of course, you DO have the choice to do as they ask, pretend along stuff didn't happen - but then only YOU are left with all the consequences, while they still experience none.

As if that person's feelings matter more than yours or anyone else's, when if they hadn't done what they did, but won't admit to or acknowledge, there'd be nothing to forgive in the first place!

And if the "forgiveness'" texts come from in-betweener family or mutual friends trying to peace-make?

Take it as a compliment - because it means they know you're the most reasonable one and the most likely one to forgive, and they also know you CAN feel guilt, when the other person either can't or won't. 

At least you get that much acknowledgement, and weren't gaslighted over it, acting like it never happened, right?

So yes, forgive them, because it frees you from the pain, anger and bitterness - but don't put yourself in harm's way again if there's no insight or remorse. 

They chose themselves without even a moment's toil over how you or anyone else in the family might feel, right?

So now YOU make a choice for yourself - because they're certainly not going to.

Choose yourself over the toxicity they continue to engage in and justify - but unlike them, you HAVE toiled over this choice.

And if you're in the family scapegoat role, which happens in more severe dysfunctional families - which most likely happened in the first place because you DIDN'T pretend along?

What they are really asking for is "Change back, come back, because we don't have anyone to blame for our  internal problems anymore"

However, if you're nowhere around, they have no scapegoat to blame when stuff goes awry, and it will. 😜

Regardless, YOU get to decide how much contact you want to have or not, but let no amount of guilt-tripping/blaming cause you to cave on your boundaries no matter what guilt trips are tried - misapplied scripture verses, "You abandoned us" - none of it. 

Let them tell other people whatever they like - doesn't mean it's truth. 

Having said that, boundaries are great - but they should not be misused to "teach a lesson," they are NOT a weapon.

Because boundaries aren't about teaching others a lesson, they're about keeping yourself out of harm's way - period. 

So no need to guilt trip anyone over the distance, just say "For my own mental health, I need to step back from this situation" - period.